is a continuation of a special series on Relationships.
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Relationship – Introduction
Surely, you have an excellent example in the Messenger of Allah, for those who put their hope in Allah and the Day of the Hereafter, and who do much zikr [repeated remembrance with contemplation] of Allah. (Al Ahzab:21)
When I got married…, I was a foreign student here in the United States and her family first, of course, they shunned me. So I said to myself, then I was 25, I decided that I should be as I am and let them get to know me, then they will change their mind. And that is exactly what happened. I showed my respect no matter what her parents did or do and I carried to do my part of the relationship. They are my elders, they are my wives’ parents and brothers and sisters, what must I do? I must treat them nicely, so that is what I did. And then they got to love me or know me better and respect me too.
So when we went to Turkey with my wife, the same thing happened to her. My family shunned her because she is different. I told her, “Now this is your turn to be patient. And keep on being nice to them. Once they get to know you, they will love you.” And then exactly that is what happened. Once they got to know her, now they love her more than they love me. That is true…
If I had a daughter-in-law, then I would praise what they do. I will find something in them and praise it.
“Oh! You are good in this.”
“Oh! I like the way you dress.”
“Oh! I like the way you do this.”
“I like the way you do that.”
Show some interest in their person.
When you are talking, do not give them orders, or do not give them advice. They are not looking for them. What, how should we tell them? Well, you say, if they need advice, you just ask, “Do you need help in this thing?” “No.” “Okay.” If you have to do your fatherly/motherly duty, and give anyway, you do not say, “You have to do it like this.” You say, “Look, I researched this, I found out that it is better to do it this way. And the positive thing about this is this, and the negative is this but it is up to you what you want to do.”
I always leave it up to my kids what they want to do but I show them and tell them what I found out, what is right and what is wrong, and let them go because they are going to find out, as I found out, what is right and wrong, maybe on their own. How Allah is going to teach them, I do not know. Remember that everybody belongs to Allah and Allah is going to teach them whatever He wants to teach them and Allah is going to share Himself with these people as He pleases.
If Allah were to seize, judge and castigate human beings immediately when they did something wrong, He would not leave anything crawling on earth, but He reprieves them for an appointed term, and when their time comes, no one can delay it or hasten it. (Al Nahl:61)
Rabbana hab lana min azwajina wa zurriyyatina qurrata a’yunin waj’alna lil muttaqina imama
And those who say,
“Our Rab, please grant us spouses and offspring who will be a comfort and joy for our eyes, and make us leading examples among those who have taqwa [self-vigilance].”
Allah wishes to clearly explain and guide you through the examples of those who have passed before you, and to accept your repentance. Indeed, Allah is Alim and Hakim. (Al Nisa:26)
Fi’il-i Muhammad: the example shown in Prophet Muhammad’s (peace be upon him) daily actions of how human beings should live in accordance with Allah’s wishes; Prophet Muhammad’s (pbuh) implementation of sharia; tariqa
tariqa: path; Sufi order
This is an edited excerpt of a Sohbet given on May 10, 2008 by Murshid Shaykh Taner Vargonen Ansari and published on sufiview.com on December 26, 2022. The translation of the Qur’an verses are also from Murshid Shaykh Taner Vargonen Ansari.
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Love, peace and togetherness in goodness
Ya Wadud Ya Salaam Ya Jami Ya Nafi